Everything Has Changed ft. Me

All the way from having posters of girl known for slut shaming on my wall, to all those motivational quotes of Jobs. (btw she is an amazing singer, I listen to every song of her and I still have her posters on my wall, cuz she is amazing. He too is <3). Everything I used to before has changed. I used to just game all night and sleep all day. Game and Sleep. Peacefully. But there are few responsibilities which an engineer acquires, more like late realizations when there parents are just spending over one and a half million on just educating his child so that he can sit all day in room, not go class (thx to 0% attendance policy) and watch movies and tv series; sometimes game.

Now coming to 3rd year of engineering, realizing that being unable to achieve anything in the past time is not an achievement. Even when internship interviews asked me where I see myself after 10 years, I saw myself in front of computer playing CS:GO, having a D’lore and Howl; and a Stat Kara Crimson.

But now, this mere instinct of one being responsible for his own life is striking me hard. Hard enough that I am going more than 70% classes, getting more than av/2 in exams and doing assignments on my own. well not all. I guess I only had a wrong road, not a wrong direction.

Research papers were never so boring. Coursea is so interesting. Coding was an art. Amazing art. People are so amazing. I was indeed on a wrong road. And coming back to right road costed me a lot of my time and making distance with a lot of people whom I know. There is no easy way.

But one thing I realized from all these. People only show respect to you, if you are better than them. Not having a bff still haunts me. But eh, its fine. I just have to live with it. Being lonely is never easy. One has to eat alone, walk alone, be alone most of times. And you get this phobia where one starts thinking people doesn’t want to be with you. But isn’t always true, but it is true more than its false. One of the reason I don’t go to class. And that I don’t want to study mechanical.

Well thanks to administration, taking courses I like were easy. Randomness played its part this time, hoping for next time too.  Going to class regularly after 2 years, and for first time being interested in what is being taught, just feels amazing. I never felt like I was doing engineering till now. Its just amazing. Changing my life was not easy, but indeed it was necessary, else there was no future, thus no like to live upon.

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Long Hibernation

After a long time I’ve managed my mood to blog again. In this free time there were many things going on in my life. Many things making me feel depressed. Many things making one feel conscious about his/her future, feel bad on the wrong decisions made, feel guilty on doing not wanted things unknowingly, but most importantly feel delighted on how I have managed till here….

Life never goes the way we want it. If it goes, it isn’t life. Many things or should we call hurdles come along the way. Many tears are shred, many seconds are wasted. Not once could someone predict what would happen. All we could do is face it or at max if you are smart enough, be prepared for it. My teachers in college always said to me that I am not intelligent, but smart enough to score good marks. I really never understood that statement. But over the time when you see on what all happens, how dots occurred, you can connect the dots. After all dots can connected seeing backwards.

I basically f*cked up two of my semesters, when I could have taken any courses, by not taking right courses. I delayed few submissions by a period of months. I starved for food, or at least good food. Lived on dimes, lived without phone. More importantly lived through one of unpleasing moments of my life. Like all of your engineering is in front of your eyes, you couldn’t do what you decided to do when you came to college, you hate your discipline, people hate you, you started hating them, you end up being alone, lonely, scared, frightened of being end up as a psycho even after all this.

It doesn’t add up when you just live a life just for surviving in this all chaos. Finding a right meaning to live, not survive, well is difficult. I’ll now stop surviving for others and start living for myself. And try to blog daily. Afterall expressing few things from heart always makes one feel good, or to say amazing.

It’s just a Crush thing

Cutting the crap. Every adolescent once had a crush. Let it be a classmate, a celebrity (Emma Watson <3) a fantasy character or the girl from next door. Especially boys. Me being one myself, used to have all kind of fantasies with my crush. Let it be going on a cruise together or living in a villa near a beach or just being in a Ross-Rachel relationship. Or when terrorist attack your school and you save your crush in a heroic way :3 .

Living lives with these fantasies was very hard. Really hard. For me, every time she goes right past me, my heart used to go 150. Sometimes 200. Face used to go all red. Blushing on it could be seen from a quarter mile. Vin and Paul testified.

Birds used to chirp. Flowers flew around. Life was about to get a new reason, to have a wonderful life. But not always things happen as expected. Half of teens who have crushes, have themselves blocked by their crushes. And the other half have not even told anyone about it except themselves.

But after many years, still I regret of not telling her about how I feel. Regret every second of my life. What bad could have happened. Getting blocked on Social Media? It was eventual event to happen any ways. But not telling her about it? Well regretting about it every second would not be cool. Not at all.

So if you have a crush on someone, just let them know how you feel about them. No need to progress anything about it. If they feel the same way, you are lucky. If they don’t feel the same, still you are lucky that you wouldn’t live whole life with regretting about it. If they don’t know what to tell then still it would go to any of the two above decisions. You would be still lucky. But if you didn’t tell him/her, then it would be a life changer.